The Crucifixion of Moralism
This is what a part of me called the experience of "getting it wrong" - Part 1
A young part of me is very present - one that suffers over certain choices that I got “wrong”. As I spent time with her this morning, walking in the sunshine, this phrase came from her: The Crucifixion of Moralism. To me, it points to my christian heritage that glorifies a certain crucifixion, and the agony of being in the bind of “right/wrong” thinking/energy/landscape.
When the pandemic launched into full swing and things became even more polarized in the US - “good” people take certain actions, “bad” people are on the other side - it became a foundational goal for me to grow beyond dualistic thinking, beyond this option of either you’re GOOD or you’re BAD, you’re right or you’re wrong.
Slowly and steadily I and all parts of my personality and my energies and as much of me as I can muster, is climbing out of this pit of GOOD/BAD.
The good/bad structure is a potential trap for everyone. There is no middle ground in this realm. Since we’re human, at some point everyone visits the BAD side. No one knows how long you’ll be on the bad side. There are no clear rules about which infractions push you over the line. People might declare you bad for any reason at all, and your own inner parts might agree.
The good/bad landscape creates so much tension. Fear of getting it wrong, fear of getting blamed, blame and shame for missteps, mistakes. For me it’s like walking through hot coals.
So often the GOOD/BAD dichotomy removes nuance and context and depth. The person or the choice becomes two dimensional, flat, frozen in place.
It seems to me that the GOOD/BAD place comes about from not trusting humans. Believing that our essential nature is BAD and needing threats and punishments to stay on the good side.
And I’m just realizing it’s also a belief that we can’t heal enough from any hurts that transpire, either that we inflict or that others to do us. There’s a temporary sense of safety and comfort if we can keep blaming those who hurt us.
Beyond duality
There are options besides this GOOD/BAD landscape. We can see ourselves as growing, evolving changing beings, who learn as we go. In the cosmic sense, we’re still children, living many lifetimes, with so so much we don’t know or comprehend yet.
Do you blame the two year old who doesn’t know how to do math? Or my sweet, nearly 2 yr old nephew, who said f*ck this morning? Of course not. He doesn’t even know what math means, or what f*ck means. And kids who hit or bite each other - are they bad? No, they are following young human impulses. They might need some guidance of course. And really, biting or hitting from a kid is just a big flag waving, saying “I need help!!!”
We can see ourselves as energy, which is neither good nor bad, which recycles itself, which has many iterations. If we are energy, and we are part of the One Big Source of Energy, then we’ve been it all. We’ve been the abuser, the colonizer, the dominant power-over one, the BAD person. We’ve also been on the receiving end. We’ve been the teacher, the leader, the slave, the child. We are the one who learns to grow beyond good and bad. We are much bigger than dualism. We are all of these things and more than our brains can comprehend.
Sheesh, when put into these contexts, I remember more of me, the bigger cosmic space, and it gives me grace. Don’t we all need help and grace?
Witnessing my part feeling crucified by some of my past choices, I see that this inner crucifixion freezes her flat and vulnerably open to attack. I see more of that particular energy that lives in me, often hidden for long stretches of time. I don’t know how long she’ll be in this state, but I have deep trust that it is not my permanent state of being. So many parts of me have evolved and let go of old beliefs, it gives me hope for this little one too. Just bringing her to the light of day, another bit of softening happens.
With love for our journeys, may we all be learning and growing and evolving!
Marta
Part 2 coming soon - If there is no good or bad, do the assholes get away with no punishment???
I love this, marta, so glad you pointed me to it from our discussion. I don't think the word crucifixion is overly dramatic, as you worried it was after you posted. After all, 'Jesus' was pointing to the 'good thief' on his right and the 'bad thief' to his left. Even to the end, with two people being tortured to death on either side, that wasn't enough to forgive both of them. No, he forgave the Romans who'd done this to them, but made sure to condemn the guy on his left. HE deserved what he got and should burn in hell besides, but not Jesus.
Personally, I wouldn't conflate good/bad with right/wrong. Right and wrong are about behaviors and ideas. It IS wrong when the 2 yr old bites someone, and should have useful consequences (Alice Waters bit a kid back, and that was when she realized she shouldn't work in childcare and became a culinary icon instead.) But the 2 yr old isn't bad, which would be about its character.
You make such an excellent point about the crux-i-fiction position being completely vulnerable. That never occurred to me but it makes so much sense! Judging others leaves us wide open to attack, most of all from our inner voice.
I'll add my thoughts preemptively on punishment. First take away their ability to do more harm. It's not so much a punishment but a consequence. In fact, it would be a mercy. No one should have that kind of power. Once you do that, you may find that the need or desire to punish goes away. At least that's my prediction. If you give another entity the power to judge and punish, you may end up creating another monster.
"Don’t we all need help and grace?" Yes, yes we do. Thank you for giving voice and shape to this. How and when did we become the "black"/"white", good/evil, true/false, smart/idiot?? Where is the nuance, the timbre, the individual fluctuation, and how do we get it back? People like you, writing like yours give me hope that not all is lost, and that we can still recapture the multifaceted, infinite beauty and potential of what makes us human.